How I Broke This | Ep. 1 | Slaw ShackJanuary 19, 2021
By SCOTT SAALMAN
PODCAST COLD OPEN: I’m Guy Razz, host of this original new podcast, How I Broke This. Not to be confused with that other podcast by that other guy, Guy Raz, called How I Built This, to which I cannot legally claim any connection. Also, due to a silly court ruling, I can’t even come within 100 yards of “other Guy” due to a total misunderstanding that my lawyer tells me not to discuss. About my name, Guy Razz. Yes, it’s real. The G-U-Y-R-A-Z-Z tattooed across my knuckles by a tattoo artist who apparently couldn’t stop at just one Z proves this.
INTRODUCTION: This is How I Broke This. Ineptitude ... Failure ... Inanity ... Stupidity ... MURDER! MURDER! MURDER! Well, we have yet to find a guest with links to boneheaded business blunders AND grisly murders ... but, hey, we podcasters can dream, right? All we really need is a murderer with a failed starter business to make How I Broke This a successful podcast. If this is you, contact us.
GUY RAZZ: Welcome to How I Broke This...
SFX |CARTOONISH BROKEN SPRING: Boinnnnnnggggg.
GUY: ... and welcome to my narrative journey about business ineptitude and the failed leaders who failed to learn from their failures. Listen while I demonstrate impeccable pitch, intonation and vocal speed and hypnotize my guests with my snake-charmer skills, causing those who hit rock bottom to rise from their bamboo baskets of utter business failure and reveal through trances of truth what led to the breaking of their entrepreneurial spirits — and hopefully revealing a murder or two. That music you hear — that’s me blowing a pungi. Full disclosure: I own and operate a snake-charmer service, called Oh Sh--It’s A Live Cobra! Ltd., which provides entertainment at children’s birthday parties. Fuller disclosure: my lawyer advises me to tell you that Oh Sh—It’s A Live Cobra! is not responsible for alleged unfortunate incidents that might’ve stemmed from, say, a recent birthday party for little Timmy Schmitt, age 6, after he prematurely blew his party horn during a snake-charming performance. The police report about the alleged incident says the horn sound was not what pulled the cobra from its pungi-induced stupor; instead, it was the horn’s paper tube that threateningly uncoiled toward him that caused the snake to strike. Today, in episode one, I share with you how business ineptness brought down a once-promising Slaw Shack restaurant. Joining us is Slaw Shack founder Radoslaw Ziegelgruber.
RADOSLAW: It’s an honor, but what is that annoying music?
GUY: It’s my pungi.
RADOSLAW: I feel very sleepy.
GUY: In 2018, you opened the first and last Slaw Shack.
GUY: Which served only slaw?
RADOSLAW: Yes. Our tag-line stated, It’s all slaw — and soft on the jaw.
GUY: Again, you served just slaw?
RADOSLAW: There are a lot of slaw lovers out there, and for them, it has always been a crap shoot as to whether or not a restaurant served slaw. Slaw Shack removed the guesswork.
GUY: Just so our listeners understand, you served only slaw?
RADOSLAW: Well, slaw-related choices. You know, vinegar-based versus cream-based. Our Slaw and More Meal served more slaw than the basic Slaw Meal. There was the Slaw-which, topped and bottomed with either white or wheat bread. There was our slaw-shaved-ice drink, the Slawshie. People sure talked about the Slawshie. By people, I mean ER attendants baffled by the weird slaw-laced strain of brain freeze that put writhing people in their gurneys. There was the ill-fated Slaw Dog, a last-ditch meat option once we realized there weren’t that many vegetarians in town dedicated to a slaw-only menu.
GUY: I heard there was backlash about Slaw Dog being served on pita?
RADOSLAW: You misheard, Guy. The issue was with PETA, not a pita. I shouldn’t have put the word dog in the product name. I mean, hello!?
GUY: Slaw Shack’s theme song also created problems.
RADOSLAW: Yes. We used that old 1960s song that goes, “I fought the law and the law won.” Only we replaced law with slaw. Apparently, you have to pay music publishers to use their songs.
GUY: What!!?? Note to self, stop using “WAP” as podcast theme song.
RADOSLAW: So sleepy...
GUY: Despite offering a unique niche in food services and being accused of serving Shih Tzu and stealing a kickass, albeit cobwebby, song, the public didn’t necessarily eat up Slaw Shack?
RADOSLAW: I lost my business. My wife. A dog. I’m destitute. Guy, I once was one of those guys who refused giving up. Anytime I faced a challenge, my father always inspired me to persevere by screaming between long sips of his Tom Collins, “Ain’t no hill for a climber!” Apparently, you cannot climb a hill made of slaw. You sink at each step.
GUY: Well, it is a hill of slaw. One, last question.
RADOSLAW: Shoot, Guy.
GUY: Funny you would say that. Tell me, have you ever killed someone?
RADOSLAW: Of course not.
GUY: Darn. I really needed a guest for episode two.
GUY: Join us next week for How I Broke This episode two during which I interview me, host of the How I Broke This podcast and owner of Oh Sh—It’s A Live Cobra!
Email email@example.com to order his new column collection, “What Are You Going To Write About When I’m Gone?” ($15).
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