Column: Scott has things he wants to tell you

By SCOTT SAALMAN

I have some things on my mind.

”¢ It’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s has a buffet.

”¢ Bucket List Item No. 1: Learn to play guitar when I turn 85. I’m doing it to get chicks.

”¢ Last night, I planned to read the book “101 Ways To Improve Your Memory” — but I forgot where I put it last.

Ӣ Has anyone heard from Shields and Yarnell lately?

”¢ The best argument closer ever:  She said, “You always have to get in the last word, don’t you?” I said, “No.”

Ӣ What most readers are wondering right now: Scott, who in the hell are Shields and Yarnell?

Ӣ You heard it from me first: The world is ending 13/13/13.

”¢ Are you tired of waiting in a busy checkout line? Here’s a tip. Play the air flute vigorously nonstop. Trust me, people in your line will nervously move to the other lines, giving you front-of-the-line honors — unless the guy behind you starts in with the air bagpipes. Then you too will flee. Those air bagpipers are plain weird.

Ӣ Let me explain. Shields and Yarnell were famous mimes in 1977. Remember their TV variety show?

”¢ Can someone please tell me why all those motor scooters are parked outside the Dubois County Correction Center? Each day I drive by there seems to be one more. Wake up, warden! There’s going to be a jail break!

Ӣ I kicked the candy cigarette habit way back when I was a kid, thanks to the patch.

”¢ Who told those guys at the gym wearing tank tops that deodorant isn’t necessary?

Ӣ One definition of a narcissist: the guy at work who washes his hands only before he uses the urinal.

”¢ What most readers are wondering right now: If they are mimes, why did you ask, “Has anyone heard from Shields and Yarnell lately?” That just doesn’t make sense, Scott. How can you hear mimes?! Was that supposed to be funny? I’m asking The Herald for a refund.

”¢ Apparently, Walmart greeters aren’t open to carrying bags to your car. Well, excuuuuuuuse me for asking.

Ӣ CBs were cooler than email.

”¢ Why is it when I go to Subway I always get the “sandwich artist” who is in his Jackson Pollock phase? Someone get a broom.

Ӣ I have yet to see anyone score in soccer.

”¢ I keep waiting for that posthumous self-help book written by “I’m OK — You’re OK” author Thomas A. Harris, M.D., to be published. Working title: “You’re OK, I’m Dead.”

”¢ I almost noticed the McDonald’s sign in Ferdinand, but blinked at the wrong time. Are they even allowed to sell Big Macs there? I’m sure the Biggie Fry across the street is lovin’ it. Little Mac, anyone?

”¢ The scene: A guard and prisoner at the wrong end of a firing squad. Guard: (putting a blindfold over the prisoner’s face): “Do you want a cigarette?” Prisoner: “No way — those things will kill you.”

Ӣ A sign that our town lost a bit of soul: People go to what used to be Sozo Coffee Caf̩ to buy cigarettes now.

”¢ I don’t know why people still complain about losing jobs to other countries. Those Taco Bell tacos you are munching on are made in America, aren’t they?

Ӣ I never text and drive. How else can I eat that DQ foot-long chili dog while behind the wheel?

”¢ I’d care more about the Tour de France if it involved only unicycles.

Ӣ The other day, I watched a deer buy The Herald. It flipped straight to the sports section just to read the obituaries.

Ӣ It was a sad day when the Indianapolis Colts moved to Denver.

Ӣ Clowns are scared of me.

”¢ I hope to get sprayed by a skunk — a tomato juice bath sounds fun.

Ӣ Take it from one who knows: Nothing sucks more for a kid than when his imaginary friend has an imaginary friend it likes better.

”¢ Want to freak out your family physician? When an hour goes by and he finally steps into the examining room to see you, make sure he notices the latex glove on your hand that stretches all the way up to your elbow, then tell him, “Your turn, Doc.”

Ӣ Oh, and thanks so much for ruining my Shields and Yarnell joke. Good luck with that refund, wise guy.

Scott Saalman’s book, “Nose Hairs Gone Wild,” is available at Finishing Touches and Let’s Do Lunch and is offered through Amazon and Barnes and Noble as an e-book for Kindle and Nook.




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